Saturday, March 24, 2007

lights, camera, humiliation

Although I'm usually wary of devising rubrics that divide people into distinct "types" (partly because it makes me feel like a quiz in Teen magazine, partly because I'm far too self-conscious of which camp I fall into), my recent sojourn homeward has spurred me to develop the following schema.

There are, I believe, two types of Suburban Families*:







Since most of my family's habits fall into the latter group, I've always assumed we were a Suburban Family of the classier class. While rifling through the meager remnants of my childhood that my mother saved, however, I came across a skeleton in our (literal) closet that swung us over to the wrong side of the tracks. A particularly glamorous skeleton....















No, that's not a capuchin monkey--that's little erc!! What the hell were my parents thinking?! I seemed to have repressed the memory of partaking in the sordid deed, but taking glamour shots--or school pictures that use "laser effects" backgrounds--is the defining characteristic of the first kind of family. Especially glamour shots as bad as this one, where I seem to be auditioning for a role as Christina Ricci's understudy in Black Snake Moan.

*As of late, I've noticed an alarming tendency in my writing to use Capitalization as a lazy invocation of Quirkiness. Note to self: Salman Rushdie called, he wants his stylistic devices back.

13 comments:

michael said...

hot dog

yayce said...

pedophilia never looked so good... some day i'll tell you about a home video where i... let's just say it involved a 4-year-old 'buogm' mouthing porn music...
well played, erc

Mr.Wrongway said...

all capuchin monkeys are pedophiles.

DC said...

It is a particularly doddering old brand of pedophile (usually librarians and antique-store owners) that subscribes to Sepia Second Graders.

elmrockcity said...

Great, guys--all of these "pedophilia" tags are going to keep the perverse google searches rolling in...

dc said...

Dude, I have "fisted" in the name of my blog. I'm used to the shit.

Just accept the fact that the only people reading your urbane thoughts on life and art are mouthbreathing basement-dwelling NAMBLA members.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget those who google nambla and chili's...

Richard D. Espinosa III said...

LIGHTS, CAMERA, HUMILIATION

wilson said...

I'm curious how you'd classify urban families and rural families... just to complete the spectrum...

Isaac said...

My friend Dash over at Yesterday's Salad decided at some point that he would attempt to circumvent normality by adopting a less-than-traditional capitalization technique. I believe that some paragraphs were capitalized according to the strictest rules set out in his styleguide du jour while others used none whatsoever.

I personally chastised him for it, but you can ask him how it worked.

CHAD said...

The off-center neckline, high contrast and vaguely exotic features? Mina, this isn't trashy. This is art; this is real.

Pleasance said...

Thanks for writing this.

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